It’s easy to get stuck in the negativity of considering the “What If’s” in our lives, but maybe there is another way to look at it. The forks in our journeys, the dreams that we’ve had for ourselves; these roads untaken aren’t just potential different lives we could have had, they are also part of the mosaic of who we are. What can we learn about ourselves from these moments, alternative lives and how they may guide our future decisions as well as our self-conceptions?

My potential different lives (Part 1):

• I could have attended private school rather than public school. I was motivated by a stubborn desire to go against my parents’ wishes, whether it was in my best interest or not.
• I could have stayed home in the US rather than attending boarding school in Switzerland; both running towards something and running away from something.
• I could have stayed at school in Switzerland. Accepting the offer of a friend’s parent to pay my way, effectively becoming a paid friend, accepting charity, and letting my parents fight out my country of residence in court.
• My mother could have made the decision to move, with my younger brother, to Switzerland forcing my father’s hand and leading us to a completely different life. I could have influenced that decision. I have no doubt that she would have met someone and gotten re-married. She still hasn’t to this day.
• I could have chosen a different school when returning to the US. Chosen to move back home and attend private school versus another boarding school. This time I was absolutely running away from something rather than towards something and I was irrevocably changing my relationship with my younger brother, leaving him alone in a toxic situation with our parents in the process.
• I could have insisted that my mother file for sole custody rather than joint custody and distance my father from our lives for anything other than child support and occasional visits. Insisted that my father’s family step-up and actually be there for MY family, taking on some of the responsibility my father was so stubbornly refusing.
• I could have realized sooner that my mother was seriously struggling as a single mother without a real support system, abandoned by her friends, and lacking true purpose having given up her career in an attempt to save her marriage. I could have insisted that she seek help. I could have reached out to her family and insist that they gave up their position of emotional distance and stepped up to support my mother. The co-dependent relationship I let develop likely irrevocably changed our lives and our long-term mental health.
• I could have committed myself to my studies, chosen self-control over comfort and escapism.
• I could have made more friends, better friends. My self-righteousness and desire to hide from true connection by boxing up my emotions, viewing my life as a story or a TV drama rather than truly living it. This was how I distanced myself from any pain that I was experiencing and could experience in the future.
• I could have submitted my application to the CIA, I only had it partially completed. Did you know that you’re supposed to apply while you’re still in high school? I wanted a life of intrigue and meaning, but I wondered if my international connections would actually be seen as a source of potential conflict rather than an asset. Ultimately, it was likely fear of failure that influenced my decision not to submit. I could have utilized my international experience, capacity for empathy, and extreme skill at compartmentalization for a completely different cause.
• I could have listened to the advice of my coach, a trusted mentor that had my best interest at heart, and chosen a college based on what was best for my future rather than chasing what I thought could be a world of glory as a top performing athlete. He knew better, knew me better, I’ve since seen the error in that decision and what an athletic career would have actually meant for me.
• I could have again chosen to develop my self-discipline, dedicated myself to my studies, made an early commitment to my future career instead of again choosing escapism and continuing to chase an athletic dream that in my heart of hearts I knew was outside of my reach. 
• I could have dedicated myself to bettering my mental health, my well-being and healing myself. Instead I sank further into the darkness and wore my pain as a badge of honor. I was the protagonist in a story worthy of a soap opera. I was unique. If I didn’t feel loved, at least I was something extraordinary, being broken made me special. Fixing myself could have meant being ordinary. And why would I want that? My pain and my mistakes had already turned my life into something that I didn’t truly want, I didn’t want to wake up and see that. Being the victim with the guise of control through creating a dramatic life was so much more alluring.
• I could have responded differently when I started to wake up. When I started to reconnect with my emotions and see that my current life was leading nowhere fast. There was no glory to be had at the end of my drama. I tried to choose the easy way out, medicate my way into academic discipline. Instead I sank further into the darkness, further eroded my mental health while trying to grapple with years of emotions and pain that I had put into that box. I was completely lost and without a lifeline, without a future. I again sought escapism. I still don’t know if I could have done something differently to secure a job post-graduation. Instead I ended up back at home; a raw nerve lashing out, lost, and further isolating myself from the outside world. I was no longer strong, I was weak and unable to prop my family up the way I had for most of my life. They were angry, I was angry, and truly devastated; disappointed in myself and my parents who were emotional adolescents themselves. At this point self-medication had completely detached me from reality, I was paranoid, suffering side effects of what was supposedly a safe medication for ADD and wondering if my life truly had any point to it. My self-sabotage reached a pinnacle, I still don’t know whether it was truly a choice I made at that time or simply the only way I knew how to respond to the external factors influencing my life.
• I could have enlisted in the Navy. When I hit rock bottom and felt like I had no way out, no one to help me, the refuge of financial support while not having to make decisions for myself was especially alluring. Instead I found myself moving across the country, finding support in one of the most unexpected places, extended family who’s faith lead them to believe that helping me was part of their duty as Christians. I found a contract job, began to make friends and build my own life. 
• This is the beginning of my current life, where my future decisions had much less of an affect on what my life looks like now and will in the future. From this point forward I can learn more about who I am; for these decisions were made much more purposefully.